I’ve been dutifully trying to study music theory this week, doing a bit of study this afternoon and I’m about to go back to studying in a bit. I was listening to Dan Mangan while I was messing around playing solitaire and I was struck by the simple beauty of his lyrics and his music. I got me thinking about my project and the struggles I’ve been having. It had occurred to me some time ago that my composition “Inward” might actually be better as symphony or some other kind of longer piece. I had immediately pushed that thought away because it scared the shit out of me. Who am I to sit down and write a fucking symphony anyway? I’m just an amateur composer! I’m no one! Since then I have tried to continue to work on it, but I haven’t gotten very far, just a few bars here and there. I also have another piece that only has about one line of music finished.
Being in denial does not work. There is nothing wrong with being afraid. It’s what you do about that’s important. What I think that I am going to do is either work on “Inward” less or shelve it for the moment so that I can concentrate on this project as whole. A lot of the fun and creative spirit seems to have been sucked out of it. What I have to do is take a different approach to it and go back to basics. Focus on what I know how to do and work on things I can’t do. It reminds me of a quote that I read in the syllabus for one my fiction classes in college. The author talks about the creative process and how sometimes writers don’t like the messy parts of it but how it’s important to embrace every part of the process. I think that is what I need to do. Embrace the mess and move forward.