Just when I thought I had “Inward” figured out, I don’t. I managed to block off some time today and spent part of the afternoon at the piano. I thought I’d make some progress and get to write the next part but I ended up crossing out a measure instead. Then I played everything that I had written from start to finish and decided that I should take out the new lines that I had just written recently. Add to that two phone interruptions and things look pretty bleak at this point. I feel frustrated with this piece and with this project as a whole. Not that writing music is an easy thing. It just seems like I had an easier time writing my first two pieces. Maybe because I had a more tangible theme in mind. With “A Study in Bleakness” I was channeling a lot my post-grad feelings into a piece that was already partially written (it’s funny because I’ve even been thinking about rewriting part of this piece because I thought the ending was repetitive). “Trace Memories” was inspired from things that happened to me during my last semester of school, people I met, things that I experienced, and other stuff.
But with “Inward,” it’s like I’m trying to grasp at something that isn’t really there, I think. The whole point of this piece is a kind of examination of what is inside of a person, their inner mind or self and whatever that entails. In a way it kind of mirrors what I am doing spiritually in a sense. I was raised Methodist but I feel like have moved away from that a bit. I still believe in God but I’m not too keen on church as an institution. I have been reading a lot about early christian history and read a lot of books and articles online in attempt to figure out what I really believe. I still don’t have that quite figured out yet either. I’m not sure that I ever will. Maybe I’m approaching this whole piece wrong. Maybe I should just scrap the whole thing and start from scratch. I don’t know. I might go work on another piece but I don’t want to leave this piece unfinished. I tend to do that a lot and I don’t want that to happen with this project. I just wish I knew what to do.